this is such a weird post to be writing right now, mostly because know one even knows we’re ENGAGED yet! i can’t believe we didn’t tell anyone today, in a way it’s so romantic and exciting because it’s this little secret between us, but it’s also crazy hard not to get to talk about it with anyone!!! our goal is to keep it a secret until we get married, but we’ll see how long that lasts;) either way, we came up with this awesome idea of how to share our process and excitement with the world in real-time as it is happening by me writing this blog series… so here we go, the first one! i wanted to give a little backstory of the behind the scenes of our relationship. some of this may be a little raw to post on this public forum, but i wanted people to understand that this is more than a fairytale of happily ever after. this is a work in progress, a choice every single day, and real, mature love that i am forever grateful that i get to experience. i wanted to be extremely candid in this whole series so that it may act as an insight for those of you who may relate to any of this, so here we go:)
our relationship, like every relationship i am learning, has definitely had it’s ups and downs, and i’m sure that will continue for our whole life together. we have gone through some pretty rough patches that i’m honestly so thankful that we made it through, and everytime we have, we have come out stronger on the other side. ever since that day peter told me he was ‘falling in “like” with me’, he has told me that i was the girl he was going to marry. at that time, i didn’t even know if i believed in the concept of marriage (that might sound crazy coming from a wedding photographer, but being previously married and divorced at such a young age, i went through a phase where i was convinced that maybe marriage just wasn’t for me). we had been dating maybe 2 months when he came over after work one night, we were listening to music talking about our day and he told me a story about how he saw an elderly man and woman sitting on a bench outside his restaurant that night holding hands. he looked right at me and said all he could think was that we don’t ever have to get married if i don’t want to and that was okay, he just wanted to be old with me one day, holding hands on a bench, and he didn’t care about any of the other stuff as long as we were together. the conversation may have been short and seemingly insignificant, but as someone who had come out of a series of difficult relationships and a divorce it was the most romantic and inspiring thing anyone had ever said to me. all the pressure was gone and i remember in that moment thinking, maybe i am too focused on the idea of marriage and if it works or if it doesn’t, maybe i just need to focus on the relationship, that’s what really matters.
i’ll be honest, peter put up with a lot from me in that first year (and he had his moments too, of course;)). i was just getting my feet back on the ground, figuring out who i was again and somewhat re-inventing my entire life. i was lost and cautious of getting hurt and over-sensitive about almost everything. i had an idea in my head that things have to be perfect or they will never work.
peter has always said to me since the very first day, i’m not anyone you have ever met before so don’t think i will react the same as anyone else in any given situation. it was such an important lesson for me to not project previous relationship issues and insecurities on to him as if he would be the same as anyone else, and he has proven time and time again that he is own person and one of the most kind, caring, thoughtful and loving people i have ever met. we went through a year of ups and downs, and it was 6 months ago when we came to a cross road and i really wasn’t sure what was going to happen. i had got myself into a rut of thinking and had put up so many walls, i struggled with trusting someone with my heart and trusting him not to break it, which ended up with me keeping everything and everyone i cared about at a safe distance away in fear of getting hurt. it wasn’t until i left hawaii in the most uncertain state i had ever been in and went to canada to clear my head that i figured it out. my best friend jackie recommended that i read ‘daring greatly’ by brene brown and it turned my life around. i learned so much about myself and how i was hiding from vulnerability, and i’m so grateful to peter who was so open to conversation and understanding. he flew out to see me and stayed for the rest of the summer and my heart felt so much more open and our communication with eachother improved ten-fold. a few months passed and i woke up one morning feeling so much joy. he was laying there looking at me, softly brushing the hair out of my eyes as he so often does when i wake up and i felt so happy that i actually wanted to cry. i decided right there, in yet another seemingly small insignificant moment, that we were going to make this work, and that for the first time since my divorce, i wanted nothing more than to commit my life to him.
i’m really proud of how far i have come in the last 10 years. when i was younger i believed you could just float through life on a cloud of rainbows and nothing ever should go wrong, but i now know that things do go wrong, and that commitment means that when they do, you have to sit there and figure it out. it’s not saying ‘i love you and i will always love you’, it’s saying ‘i love you, and in the times where i feel like i don’t, i promise to stay, and i promise to do everything i can until we’re back in this place, slowly opening my eyes to you brushing the hair off my forehead as the room fills with morning light and being filled with so much happiness that i could cry. i promise to always work our way back here, no matter how hard it is, or how far away it seems. i promise to never let it go.’
fast forward to now, and of course we still have days where we drive eachother insane no matter what we do, nights where we say things we don’t mean and the odd hurt feelings, but we always work our way back. what an incredible gift. my mom told me a few months ago that the world puts so much pressure on ‘the checklist’, but in reality, if someone makes you happy, then nothing else matters. i love having her and my dad as such incredible examples of love. they make eachother laugh and smile all day long, sometimes it’s amazing that their cheeks don’t hurt at the end of the day, and that’s exactly how i feel when i am with peter. i have never felt more sure of anything, and as i read peters sweet words in the most beautiful journal that he gave me this morning, when i saw will you marry me at the end of it my heart could have almost exploded. OMG WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!
**just to answer some of your questions and for clarification, we aren’t married yet and we have only been engaged for just over a week… turns out i just really suck at secrets, haha!! thanks for all the love everyone!! xox**