last night i told my mom and dad that i felt like i’ve lost my voice. i sit down to write, to blog, to think even, and it’s just a blank cursor blinking on a white page. i go to write an instagram caption, a text message, an email even and i can’t find the words. sometimes the weight of it all just seems so heavy. like i could drown in the depth all of it and no matter how hard i try, still nothing comes out, kind of like that scene in the little mermaid where areal sings her voice away into a bottle. maybe its the reality settling in that no matter what i write i will never be able to convey the complexities of my thoughts or my life in a simple instagram caption. maybe its the pressure of how things will appear and more so how they are perceived, maybe it’s expectation to be profound or maybe it’s a little bit of all of it.
i told my mom i lost my voice and she looked at me and said well then honey, you just have to let yourself find it. she’s right, i didn’t lose my voice, i just chose to let it slip away. and all of that other stuff? well frankly, it just doesn’t matter. my voice is for what is, right now, in this moment. if there is one thing i have learned over the last year it is that everyone is dealing with something, and there is no possible way to even begin to understand someone’s specific situation unless you are the person living it. i didn’t loose my voice, i’ve just been scared to use it. my journey has definitely not been perfect or easy or even admirable at times, but along with all of that, it has also been wonderful. and it has been and will continue to be mine to live and mine to learn from and my story to tell. i had a good friend remind me of how easy it is to live in the dark, to only see the struggle and the weight of it all. sometimes it’s easier to feel sorry for ourselves then it is to take responsibility for where our lives are at while holding our head up, smiling and pushing forward. i had briefly forgotten the power of our thoughts and how looking at things from a different perspective can make such a difference. by simply choosing happy and filling my heart with kindness and love and grace is not going to make all my problems go away, but it is going to remind me that no matter how dark it may feel, if you open up your heart to look for it, if you let yourself see it, you can always find light. and no matter how lost i might feel at times and in the darkest hours when it feels like i have no voice, i have to remind myself that if i let myself find it, it’s not gone. it’s right where i left it, and it deserves to be heard.
*photos taken on my iphone. to see more, check out my instagram @megourtney1